196. Mom/Daughter Talk on Balancing Emotions & Actions, & Facing Difficult Things

Share some laughs, vulnerable honesty, and getting to the heart of emotional issues in this mother/daughter conversation. Join Abby and me, as we embark on a heartfelt exploration of emotion management and the courage required to face tough situations.  We tackle the dangers of letting our emotions dictate our actions and offer guidance on maintaining control.

EPISODES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Episodes with Pam Swanson about the Blueprint of Every Heart 183, 184

"Mom & Teen Daughter Talk about Knowing Your Value, Leading Your Heart, & Navigating Relationships, Book Pick #3, Episode 156"

"Val & Abby Review Abby's #2 Book Pick, Episode 158"

"Help Middle School & Teen Girls to Grow  Before Guys, Walk in Purpose, Live as a Leader in this Mom/Daughter Conversation about Abby's #1 Book Pick for Girls, Episode 159" (159 is Abby's Top pick and the book she mentions this week - Lady in Waiting- It's a book about making the most of every season of life y

Transcript

Abby, Val's Daughter: 0:03

THIS TRANSCRIPT WAS GENERATED AUTOMATICALLY AND HAS NOT BEEN EDITED. I meet the need meant game plan, a game plan for maintenance.

Val Harrison: 0:10

I can't read my writing. I'm reading your sticky note, my sticky note, written in purple marker, from Emma's bedroom. Yes, anyways.

Val Harrison: 0:21

Hey mom friends. This is Val Harrison, the practically speaking mom. You're listening to episode 196 of the podcast for intentional moms to build strong families. I sure would love it if you'd pull up a chair, grab a cup of tea and join my daughter, abby and myself as we have a conversation about emotion management and doing hard things. We're gonna laugh, we're gonna get a little bit vulnerable and we're gonna get to the heart of the issues. So come on, join in the fun. Let's go Guess who's in the studio with me today. I've got my Abby girl home from college for a couple of days, so welcome home.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 1:03

Thank you, why'd they be here?

Val Harrison: 1:05

She's been working at school for the summer. I told her on the phone the other night when we were chatting that my theme right now is on growing in emotion management or emotional intelligence, and she actually had been working on the same thing. You've got a lot of great notes in your journal that you're gonna let us peer into for a little bit.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 1:25

Yeah, yeah, it was pretty cool that we had been, that you were talking about that and I just happened to have been journaling about that and thinking about it a lot. I just finished the chapter in a book I was reading called Lady in Waiting, which I'd read multiple times and it was actually one of one of my top books in the Pearty podcast episodes we did.

Val Harrison: 1:44

We can put a link in the show notes.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 1:46

Yeah, so I think that was our number one book and it's just I love it so much. I've read it like three times at this point and I was reading it again and so I just finished the chapter on purity and it was talking about more than just physical purity. It was talking about emotional purity and spiritual purity and whatever season you're in. So that's one of the reasons why I love this book is because it really talks to women in every stage of life, and so it had talked about emotional purity and I was like that makes a lot of sense, and that's where I often trip up. More than physical purity is letting my heart get distracted by this or this Will you give us kind of your definition of emotional purity.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 2:29

So I guess what my definition of emotional purity would be is keeping your heart devoted to God. There's a verse that I've prayed over myself in the past that describes this really well. It's from Psalm 51. It says create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. I think another translation says like renew a unified heart within me or steadfast spirit. I love that wording of unified heart towards God, and I was like where does my heart trip up of my emotions, getting excited by the things? Well, let's talk about that per second.

Val Harrison: 3:07

It's not wrong to enjoy other aspects of life besides God, or to be excited about getting to come home, or getting to go to the ball game, or getting a good grade on a test. So what do you mean by that?

Abby, Val's Daughter: 3:21

So I'll just go through kind of my thought process of this. I was, I was journaling about emotional purity and I usually find it helpful to write down the questions that I'm thinking about. So I started with how do I remain emotionally pure, devoted to God? So I was like, do I quench the excitement? No, not necessarily. And so then? So then I started wondering how do I tell good emotions from bad emotions? And really it goes right along with what you're saying, like what you were saying last week was stop and identify, evaluate. But how do you evaluate them based on this, Like first James three seventeen says wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

Val Harrison: 4:08

So when you use that as a litmus test, does that mean you're identifying what are the ways that in this moment I am not being gentle or I'm not being peaceable? You know that list like that.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 4:23

Yeah, emotions that I deal with would be like sadness and discontentment.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 4:28

Okay, um, and so I am working a lot, right, since I'm at school, I work 40 hours a week and it's a pretty like we have uniforms and can't look at our phone ever and that that's fine. But I didn't have any way to remind myself when, when I get caught in doing it, when I'm doing a task, and I'm just like in my head thinking, a lot of times my, my emotions or my mind can just run away with me. And so I have this written down on a note card in my work pants of of these words pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy, good fruits, impartial, secure, things like that. So when I was like, I was like, wait, what was that listing in? And I would pull that out and be like, okay, this is this. Might this might be pure, but it's not peaceable, and it might be gentle, but it's not open to reason, or something like that. But that's a lot of times. What I would do is like first I have to realize, like you said, stop and identify.

Val Harrison: 5:23

Realize that I have this emotion going on and it's affecting my life. So is it okay, is it? And so I'm evaluating it now and you are helping us evaluate it. Yeah, with this scripture verse.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 5:35

Yeah, yeah, and sometimes it is okay and you just have to deal with feeling the emotion, and that that can be a very healthy journey also.

Val Harrison: 5:45

So, for example, sadness, like you said, we might be a little too quick to try to push sadness away in our life. In fact, I would say that was your tendency, that you wanted to be joyful all the time and not let any sadness in, and actually that was kind of unhealthy for you, yeah, and so I'm glad to hear that you're allowing yourself to sit in sadness sometimes.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 6:09

It is nice to know that there's growth there and like seeing how God has given us emotions for a reason, but we also have a responsibility to use those for God and to what's. What's that verse? Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart and soul and mind and strength. And part of loving the Lord, your God, with all of your heart is measuring your emotions against his word and against the things that he wants us to be using them for, and I think that's something that can get overlooked a lot. I don't know, like a lot of times when we talk about purity, we're talking about physical purity, but I know for me it's a lot harder to keep my heart in check.

Val Harrison: 6:50

The fact that you're going through this time in your life really getting your emotions and check and evaluating and being in all of these great emotional habits I mean there's there's kind of everything is involved in what you're doing, because you're getting control over your mind, your thoughts, you are physically stopping and analyzing this physical emotion that you might be feeling. It's spiritual in nature, as you are partnering with God in this process to fine tune your heart in this way, the quality of relationship that you're going to be able to have because you have gone through all of this work and it is work this we're talking about major self discipline here to be willing to analyze and get management of your emotions and grow in them as well.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 7:42

Yeah, actually when I was going through this lady and waiting book. I go through different seasons of like like full transparency. Sometimes I get like really discontented in the fact that I'm still single and that can be hard for me sometimes. But I also know that no matter what season I'm in, I have to be a good steward of it, and so I guess this was me trying to to stay proactive in my growth and my relationship with God in this season of singleness. I guess this time that I have that I will. Maybe it'll last for a long time, but I don't know. I just know it's really important and God has given it to me for a reason and I don't want to lose sight of his goodness and his blessings in this season also. And if I can use this time to just grow intimacy with him and grow my desire for him, then I know it'll be worth it. And even if it lasts forever like I still want to keep desiring God in all of, in all of this.

Val Harrison: 8:47

The profound, important principle that you're talking about here is that the answer to discontentment is not to just focus on what we don't have. It is to do what you said steward this season, as well as I can. We talked about stewardship actually a few weeks ago on the podcast, we were talking about teaching our kids stewardship of the things that they have, but we are stewards of the time that we have and the seasons that we're in. And I love what you're saying because, even as moms, I can think I was very bad about longing for another season. You know, when my baby can smile at me, when my baby can say mama, when my baby can sit up by themselves, when they can crawl, when they can run, when they can buckle their own seatbelt, you know, like all of the always looking for that other season, that I'm not in. And yet this emotional management principle of being a good steward of the moment I'm in, of the season I'm in, of the situation that I'm in, I love that. And steward means manager, of taking good care of.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 10:03

Yeah, I mean, that's that's so important and that's part of the emotional purity is realizing that I'm being discontent in a season and I'm like why is this? Why have I been sad lately? Why have I been complaining? Because I've been discontent, I've been waiting for the next season and for me, I always have to do something proactive. I'm always like. I'm always like okay, how can I serve others more and get my mind off myself? How can I like acting in the way that you know you should, even when you don't feel like it? I found is really helpful Because eventually, the more you act like that, the more you feel like that. But it starts with the root problem of realizing, evaluating I mean, what did you say? Stop and identify, evaluate and meet the need. Mend game plan, a game plan for maintenance.

Val Harrison: 10:56

I'm reading your sticky note, my sticky note, written in purple marker, from Emma's bedroom yes, anyways.

Val Harrison: 11:05

Well, wait, I have to say something there. Give me a second while I think of it.

Val Harrison: 11:09

I feel like I'm being a terrible go.

Val Harrison: 11:11

No, I'm talking.

Val Harrison: 11:13

No, I'm very sad Quietly.

Val Harrison: 11:17

Oh, okay, you pulled out another important fact here about emotions and this is one that I talked about so much when you kids were little and, come to think of it, I haven't thought about this or said this in a long time and that is that our emotions will follow our actions, and that is the order that we want things to be in. We don't want our actions to follow our emotions. Danger, danger.

Val Harrison: 11:47

Don't do that.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 11:48

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you were teaching me how to be a good public speaker, you were like you can be afraid and that's okay, but you need to act like you're not. You were like. You literally were like do your Superman pose?

Val Harrison: 12:02

Yes. Yes, because that'll build your confidence, and I still do that before I public speak.

Val Harrison: 12:08

So yeah, it's so true, though that and you're right, I've forgotten those words as well that it is fine to feel the emotions. We don't have to feel ashamed of them, we don't have to beat ourselves up emotionally that we are feeling this feeling, but we can still make the right action step even if we're feeling that way.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 12:33

Yeah, now that you mentioned that, I actually used that concept pretty often. I'm like a lot of times this is not the thing you told us as kids. When it was, when something was hard and I was and I feel really bad about it, I'm like I do not want to do this. I literally sometimes I'll tell myself out loud I can do hard things. And doing the hard thing even when you don't want to, when you don't feel like it, that's definitely still something I do like.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 13:00

Pretty often I'm like I don't want to have this hard conversation but no matter how nervous I feel, I'm going to, I'm going to do it and I'm going to be intentional about it. I'm going to put in the work it takes to have the good conversation, to have the hard conversation, because I can do hard things and when I so I'm a musician and singer and stuff when I go up on stage and I'm having to sing, I'm like I am so nervous. But I'm not letting that nervousness control my actions. I know it's. I know it's a hard thing, not letting my fear of a hard thing or difficulty stop me from doing it and I'm a member of the Dinden Girls, I don't know what that is but that's stuck in my head sometimes.

Val Harrison: 13:44

Yeah, okay, the Dinden Club is do it now, do it now. Well, I'm a member of the Dinden Club.

Val Harrison: 13:59

Oh my goodness, do it now, do it now, do it now so okay, now I'm going to take this on a little bit of a left turn for a minute. All right that. All things, things that we're talking about doing hard things when we don't feel like it. There's actually a very unpopular element in this right now that to deny our feelings is to be robotic. It's not being true to ourselves. So what is that balance? We don't want to ignore our feelings, but we also do not want to let them be in charge.

Val Harrison: 14:40

I get a little bit frustrated with our I would say frustrated with our society, but I actually think it's the loud voices in our society, voices that are trying to influence all the people to embrace your feelings in an unhealthy way. I feel like. To only live in your feelings instead of you managing them effectively is to miss out on so much quality and abundance in life, I feel like. And so it's just, it's truly a lie of the enemy of our souls that's trying to distract people from what is best for them and would bring, the most honestly, joy and contentment and blessing in their life, because they're avoiding the hard things and the good things and the pure things. You know even the word purity. It's also very unpopular right now. What are your thoughts on what I just said?

Abby, Val's Daughter: 15:38

Yeah, I think that is definitely a hard balance, and one that I struggled with for a long time was letting emotions drive the car and something. There's a couple phrases that come to mind. One of them is that emotions are oh. What are those little lights in the car that tell you something is wrong?

Val Harrison: 15:55

Oh like you know those little lights in the car. It's tell you something's wrong.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 16:05

The dashboard light that says your engine is running badly, and so emotions always deserve a seat in the car. Don't put them in the trunk, don't drop them off on the side of the road, because that is. It's a lot easier to constantly stuff them down and to never deal with them. Face them head on, and it's easier to let them drive the car, but it's hard to put them in the back seat and talk to them, not talk to your okay, that sounds weird.

Val Harrison: 16:33

I think that was kids now. Well, that's not entirely wrong.

Val Harrison: 16:39

Yeah, but here's a funny thing. I've brought up this car analogy the last two weeks that we've talked about emotions. Yes, oh, my days.

Val Harrison: 16:47

I'm literally tuning into you no, no, no, but you're much beyond to me.

Val Harrison: 16:55

No, I got that. Anyway, I like what you're saying. Oh, I said it last week.

Val Harrison: 17:04

Did you know the name of the little lights?

Val Harrison: 17:06

No, I didn't say anything about lights. Okay, so see, you've added a whole nother element in there.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 17:11

Yeah, yeah, so there are warning signs on the car saying something you need to check something like the tire pressure is lower, the engine is running badly, so check something. And so actually in this James three verse it talks about worldly wisdom also and it gives a list of what worldly wisdom looks like. It says but if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, you're not boast about it or deny the truth. Then in 16, it says for where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder in every evil practice. And then it goes into the list that talks about wisdom from above. And so not only does the word of God provide a list for, and there's a lot of other verses that talk about worldly wisdom. So not only do we see a list of heavenly wisdom, but we see a list of what our worldly wisdom looks like also, and not wisdom but our worldly thoughts.

Val Harrison: 18:01

Well, and I think okay, I like to use this analogy when we're talking about God's ways Okay, Imagine a blender. I don't think I've ever talked about this on the podcast, but if I have, I'm sorry. Here it is again. Years ago, I wanted to make strawberry smoothies, so bad so, and we didn't have much money, so I had to save up to get this blender. Soon as it came, I put those frozen strawberries in there and was ready to make my blender, my smoothie, and I turned it on and these frozen strawberries broke the blender. Strawberries went everywhere. They were all over the ceiling, all over the cupboards and just everywhere.

Val Harrison: 18:43

I didn't get my smoothie and, of course, my machine was broken that I had. Well, then I looked at the manual, and the manual literally said to not put frozen strawberries in the blender. Had I read the manual first, I would be eating my smoothie that day, but I didn't read the manual. And that is what scripture is. It's like the one who designed us and designed the world says here's the way to have an abundant life which Christ came that we might have life more abundantly. Everything about him produces in us a more abundant life and eternity, and so this is our roadmap to that fullness of life.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 19:32

Yeah, so good. And actually that brings us to the next point on my emotional purity chart or whatever. How do I respond to this list of heavenly wisdom that I now am measuring my emotions by? And there's. So I was journaling about this and praying about it, and so I was. I decided that I need to test every emotion according to God's heavenly standard, but then I was like how do I change my thoughts to be godly?

Abby, Val's Daughter: 20:00

So in second Corinthians, 10, 3 through 3 through 6, it says for though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We do more. We demolish arguments in every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And so it said to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. And when it talked about those heavenly weapons. Many times in scripture the sword of the Spirit is, like it's mentioned as the word of God. Right, we see that in Ephesians, I think, that the sword of the Spirit is the word of God, and we see, even when Jesus was tempted in the desert. He used the word of God to fight the enemy.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 20:48

And so I was like, okay, I know, I need to test every emotion against the test of godly wisdom, but how do I take those thoughts captive? And so I realized that my action step was to memorize scripture. And so, along with this list of heavenly wisdom, in my work pants pocket, I also now am memorizing the book of Philippians, and so I think I'm in first, like 13 now. But I knew that when my mind gets distracted by all these other things, I had to have something to fight it with. It's just been really good to have a proactive step to do. Once I've tested it Against this measure of godly wisdom, I can also now take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ through the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And Instead of having those unhealthy thoughts, unhealthy emotions, I now replace it with scripture.

Val Harrison: 21:41

Well, two things I want to pull out from there. One, what you just said he is purifying our heart and I think that is one key element that Takes away all of the stress and pressure from a conversation like this. We listen to this conversation. We're like, yes, I should do all of these things and Get myself under control. Why do I have all these emotions? But it is God who's purifying our hearts. Yes, it's really. Our role is to let him Invite him into our hearts, invite him to work in our hearts.

Val Harrison: 22:17

I Reminded everybody that's listening last week, and I'll say it again now go back and listen to when Pam Swanson was a guest on here and we were talking about how our heart is. Is the temple that we are the priest over and how do we be the priest of our heart. It's lined out in scripture and her videos teach us how to do that. So Christ is the high priest, we're the priest. It's all in scripture, but we've just kind of overlooked it a lot of times. I'll put a link to the podcast episodes where she came on as a guest. What she helped me learn how to do is so key in transforming who we are, but not in our own power. It's all God's power. God wants to do this. He wants to transform us to a healthy place, and we just need to partner with him, allow him to do the work. That was one thing I wanted to throw in there.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 23:18

That actually sorry. That reminds me of another verse in Philippians that talks about. It talks about being anxious and rejoicing in all situations and it's kind of a long passage but it says let your gentleness be evident to all. But then it says the Lord is near, do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God was transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. And a lot of times we hear that don't be anxious about anything, but we sometimes skip over the part that says the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. So we stay in Christ Jesus and he will guard our hearts and minds. And the way we do that is through memorizing scripture, through always having that verse to fight the enemy's lies with.

Val Harrison: 24:10

I love that that passage starts with yeah, lord is near, I know so. In other words, hey guys, okay, I'm gonna ask some hard things of you, but actually I'm here to do it for you. You just have to allow me to and go through the motions that I tell you to go through, and I've got it.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 24:29

Okay, you know that's the amazing thing is that is all through scripture.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 24:33

Yes all through scripture in Isaiah, deuteronomy and, I think, hosea and Micah, like throughout all of scripture, it says do not fear, why? Because I am with you. Like the Lord, your God, will fight for you, like there's so many verses that talk about, do not fear, for I am with you. And this is like, as Christians, this is our hope that the Lord is with us, and this is the story of redemption that he's given us, like Emmanuel, god with us. He is with us and that's why we don't have to fear. This is why we can have peace. Let's just. I just find that amazing.

Val Harrison: 25:05

Okay. So when we see all that in scripture, what we really see is two things coupled together. We see all of this awesome, awesome blessing that God wants to pour on us and all of the ways that he is doing the work. But then it's coupled also with do all these hard things, do these hard things. God calls us to hard things and he blesses us in big ways. You've got this, he says, and that's how we are to parent as well. We should expect hard things of our kids, coupled with I'm right here, I've got this, I'm with you, you can do this. I'm going to be your biggest cheerleader and I'm right alongside you as you do this, but I also want you to do this hard thing, because this is where the growth lies and this is where abundance lies and this is where amazing life lies in the after the hard thing.

Abby, Val's Daughter: 26:05

That made me think of this verse in John 10 that says the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that they may have a life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep, and while he saves us, he also wants abundant life for us, and part of that abundant life as a creator, and he knows all things. Like he, he made the world, he made every part of us and every part of our heart, he knows how it should work right, and so he knows exactly what abundant life looks like and and he's laid out a plan for what maintenance and growth looks like emotionally, spiritually and in every, in every part of our life.

Val Harrison: 26:50

Well, mom friend, I could chat with Abby all day. All good things have to come to an end, unfortunately, so we will wrap up the podcast here. I hope that you have enjoyed spending time with us, as we've been looking at some hard issues. I do want to mention that while we've been talking about emotional purity in this episode, that's very different from the purity movement and if you would like to hear a podcast episode about that, we have several episodes about purity, which I'll put some links in the show note. One of those is what were some of the troubled spots about the purity movement, so that might be one you want to check out.

Val Harrison: 27:26

Thanks for joining Abby and I today on the Practically Speaking Mom podcast. You know what I would really appreciate. I would so love it if you would share this podcast with a friend, and here's the easy way to do that Go to PracticallySpeakingMomcom and click on podcasts. There's links there for all of the podcasts, or you could jump on Facebook to my public page, practically Speaking Mom. I always put the most recent podcast episode on there a post and it's super easy, because all you need to do is find the podcast episode that you want to share and just click share and it will go into your news feed and you can say whatever you want to about it. I spend time on this each week because God has called me to impact mama's hearts and homes. When you share or when you just click like on my posts, it also helps to further that post along and reach more mamas. So thanks for your heart being a part of this ministry. Love you and we'll see you next week.