195. 5 Steps to Emotional Wholeness, Emotion Management for Parents & Kids

Who knew that the journey to emotional wholeness could start with a conversation between spouses? That’s exactly what happened for my husband and I, and it's a journey we've not only embarked on within our marriage and family life, but also as a teaching tool for others. In our second week on Raising Emotionally Wise Kids & Teens, let's examine our five-step approach to managing emotions, from identifying and evaluating them, to meeting the root needs, mending emotional wounds and finally, creating a plan for managing and fostering growth.

CLICK HERE for a downloadable page of the five steps including questions to ask.

There's nothing more challenging than recognizing unhealthy emotions and setting boundaries. That’s why we've dedicated an episode to the art of recognizing negative emotions, triggers of those emotions, mending the damage caused by our own actions or words, and creating a game plan for managing and fostering emotional growth. We even delve into a set of powerful questions that can help you on this journey, so don’t miss it!
Thank you for joining us on the Practically Speaking Mom podcast as we continue nurturing emotional wholeness within ourselves, our relationships and our community.

Want more on some of the topics mentioned in this episode? Here's some recommended episodes for more!
Root Parenting Episodes 25 -26
8 Layers of Influence (Social/Relationship related episodes) 129-130
Luke 2:52 Episode 14
Pam Swanson Episodes 183-184
Mental Health- Dealing with Lies We Tell Ourselves 16
Self-Care episode 31
Stress Management 43-45

John Maxwell's book: Thinking for a Change

Transcript

Val Harrison: 0:03

THIS TRANSCRIPT WAS GENERATED AUTOMATICALLY AND HAS NOT BEEN EDITED FOR ACCURACY. Hello intentional mom friends, this is Val Harrison, the Practically Speaking Mom. You're listening to episode 195 of the Practically Speaking Mom podcast the place for intentional moms to build strong families. This is week two on raising emotionally wise kids and teens. We're looking at five steps to manage our emotions in a way that leads us toward wholeness. So let's get going. Last week on the podcast, I told you that this week we would be having a conversation between myself and my son, andrew. We would be talking about growing confident kids. That was the plan but has been postponed because I felt that we need to spend some additional time on this topic of emotion management. After last week's podcast, I began getting feedback and questions from moms about how to raise emotionally wise kids and questions also just on helping mom to manage her emotions. Then also, god gave me a chart right away after I published last week's episode. So I went ahead and I made that chart and I put it out last Monday. The chart is five steps to emotion management on the road to wholeness. You can find the chart in our Facebook group that's called intentional mom strong family, or you can find the chart on my public Facebook or Instagram pages. That is at Practically Speaking Mom. I'll also put a link in the show notes to this, or you can also find it under resources on my website Practically Speaking Mom. And finally, before we get started, I'm also praying about next week. We might do another episode on this topic of raising emotionally wise kids and teens. If we do, it will be with my daughter Abby. She and I have been discussing this topic and we're going to try to record this weekend together. So if we get that done, then that's what next week will be. Otherwise, we will move on to our topic of confident kids with my son, andrew. So, either way, next week will be great, but today let's dive in to the five steps to manage our emotions in a way that leads to wholeness. Now, while you're listening to all of this, I know you'll be thinking regarding you as mom, because that's what my illustrations are going to be about today. But please don't just take this in for yourself. Also teach it to your kids. Our goal is to raise strong kids that are ready for things that come at them in life and that will have strong relationships, and they do that by the skills that they learn now, today.

Val Harrison: 2:45

So let's get going. Step one is stop and identify. Step two is evaluate. Step three is meet the root need. Step four is mend the wounds. Step five is make a plan for management and growth about that emotion. So let's go through these five. If this sounds familiar to you, if these five steps sound familiar to you, it's because last week I did do all five of these steps. I just dispersed them throughout the episode and I didn't spell out clearly for you, and I thought that we could benefit from a week of plain and simple clarity on these five steps today. I'm even hoping that you may be able to memorize the five steps by the end of this episode.

Val Harrison: 3:30

Okay, before I break down the steps with you, I have to focus on the final word of the title Five steps to manage emotions on the road to wholeness. Let's take a brief look at the word wholeness. My husband, rich and I have been on a mission the last several years, a mission to continually be becoming more whole Me become more whole, him become more whole, our relationship to have less breaks and wounds and any depleted parts of it. We're on a road to wholeness all around. So let me explain that when we began overhauling our marriage from unhealthy to healthy, god gave us this two-part vision of oneness and wholeness those two things. If you want to hear about oneness and marriage, you can go back and listen to a former episode in the show notes.

Val Harrison: 4:22

This week I will list several different episodes that I refer to in this podcast episode, so anyway that will be. One of them is an earlier episode on marriage. Oneness the second part of our mission and overhauling our marriage was walking toward wholeness. Wholeness is completeness. It is lacking nothing, it is free of brokenness, it is fully restored. Wholeness is functioning at optimal strength and stability. Our mission became to help one another become more whole In all we say and do and decide from day to day. We want our actions, our attitudes and our words to bring healing and strength for one another and for our relationship. We are always on the lookout for identifying any part of us that is depleted, that is empty, that tallow, that feels broken or injured, that needs mending.

Val Harrison: 5:25

You could say that we gradually developed the mental habit of filtering our actions and words through the following question Will this increase or decrease wholeness in me, or will this increase or decrease wholeness in rich? If I say that or do that or treat him that way, how will that impact who he is? Or will this action, attitude, word, decision? How will it impact our relationship? Will it help it to strengthen and grow and become more whole, or will it cause division, potentially? So let's call that mental habit of testing our actions, attitudes and words. Let's call that our habit of wholeness.

Val Harrison: 6:12

Okay, as we began to reap the great benefits of the habit of wholeness in each other and in our marriage, we then began to adopt this philosophy in our kids and all of the relationships in our home. Okay, so that means sibling to sibling relationship, or parent child relationship, or, you know, just teaching kids about all the relationships that they have. We wanted them to also adopt this paradigm of the habit of wholeness. And I want to say right here, real quick too, that we won't ever reach complete wholeness on earth. We will someday in heaven, but we will not before then. But we can be on the road to wholeness, we can be in the habit of wholeness.

Val Harrison: 6:58

So let's say you're dealing with a parenting decision. The question we have to ask ourselves is how can I handle this issue in a way that helps my child become more whole, less broken, less wounded, less depleted? What will strengthen them and fortify them for life and eternity. At the store, child starts misbehaving because they want this toy they see, but they're not getting it. Do you give in to keep them quiet for this moment or do you think how will this impact their life long-term if I reward their behavior right now? I don't want to reward this behavior because I don't want this to be repeated and anything I reward in my kids is gonna be repeated. That's a longer view. Look on that of what helps them to grow and to be stronger in the future. Kids need to be able to handle not getting everything they want in the moment they want it or the way that they want it. If I rewarded that all the time, I would just be creating unhealthy behavior, attitude, spoiled, self-centered, lots of things like that. So I need to be appropriate in the way that I bless them and the things that I bless them with. Okay, that was a little sidetrack here.

Val Harrison: 8:17

Let's say that there's a sibling squabble going on. Well, if I want them to have the mindset of the habit of wholeness, or working towards wholeness, or learning to plan and filter ahead with, is this helping this other person become more whole? I might say, sam, when you did that to your sister? Was that building her up or tearing her down? Did you injure your sibling relationship when you made that decision? How can you mend what has been hurt? We want to help the relationship be whole and the other people and ourselves become more whole. So we need to think about that and the decisions we make and the actions we have and the attitude we have in the words we use. So those would be things that we could say to our kids to help them to also adopt this mindset and focus on building one another up. I have a lot more to share with you about wholeness, but that will come in other episodes. I just wanted to bring it up today because I want you to understand the big picture with emotions and Managing them well.

Val Harrison: 9:21

Our goal is to help each family member to become more whole, to help every Relationship to become more whole and to have every family member Working toward each other's wholeness. When we look at helping a person to become more whole, we want to remember that there are four parts of us. I Mentioned this a lot on the podcast. I utilize Luke 252 as my basis for so much of the parenting principles that I implement and that I share with you guys.

Val Harrison: 9:52

Luke 252 is a Bible verse Referring to the years that Jesus was growing up on earth. Luke 252 says Jesus grew in wisdom, stature, favor with God and favor with people. These four areas in which Jesus grew are the four areas of our life mental, physical, spiritual and social. So I want to help myself and those around me to become more whole mentally, physically, spiritually and socially. These would be the areas in which I am being careful To not offend and not injure and not create division or weakness. But I am building up, I am mending, I am helping to heal. So, if I take our habit of wholeness and get more specific, I want to help every family member become more whole in full and optimal health. Mentally in full and optimal health. Physically, in full and optimal health. Spiritually. That would mean like relationship with God, understanding of who God is, understanding of ourself, related to who God made us to be and also in our character because of that relationship with God and we'll talk more about that in a little bit and then also full and optimal health socially socially, meaning the relationships in our lives and any interaction with other people or Our perceived belief of who people say that we are what I think you think of me. That is part of my social health. There's a lot of elements in social health and we're not going to get into all of them today. Okay, let's keep going.

Val Harrison: 11:39

We've been looking at the concept of wholeness from the title five steps to manage emotions on the road to wholeness, and I want to look at those five steps. Step one is stop and identify. Step two evaluate. Step three meet the root need. Step four mend the wounds. Step five make a plan for maintenance and growth. So let's get into those. As we go through these five steps a day, I'm going to use one mom's question as an example for us. In a discussion this week after the last episode aired, a mom said I am so short-tempered. She said I just get upset about everything so quickly with my kids and I don't want to, but it keeps happening. Well, I could totally relate to her, because that is exactly where I used to be. I still have to manage this emotion in me and I still struggle and make mistakes with it, but I have grown miles and miles in this area regarding being short-tempered with my kids and really just short-tempered in general. So I'm going to go ahead and use this as my example for today as we go through these five steps.

Val Harrison: 12:53

Step number one stop and identify. Identify what emotion am I feeling right now? Acknowledge that my emotion is influencing the moment. Stop and take a step back. Slow down the moment. Become very aware of what you're doing and what's going on. Remind yourself that this moment needs to fit into your life goals and needs to align with your life principles. Stop and identify. I'm being short-tempered. I need to stop. I need to slow down this moment. Let me say a prayer and get God's help on this. I need to think clearly. I Want to remain prayerful, live prayerfully and intentionally as I step through this moment. Maybe stop means going to another room or going outside for a few minutes. Maybe stop means saying I need to table this conversation with you until I've had a chance to evaluate my emotions, to get my mind and heart in check, before I move forward with this conversation anymore.

Val Harrison: 14:01

Okay, so step one was stop and identify. Step two is evaluate, after we stop and identify. What emotions am I feeling right now? I want to evaluate those emotions. Let me give you three questions that will help you to evaluate your emotions, and these are the questions that I go through. Question number one I.

Val Harrison: 14:22

What generally triggers this emotion in me and what triggered it this time? So, regarding short tempered, for example, I'd ask myself what tends to make me short tempered? What triggered me becoming short tempered this time? If you were struggling with short tempered and you were asking yourself that question, then maybe you'd say, okay, overwhelm, that's what triggers me being short tempered.

Val Harrison: 14:50

Maybe, as a mom, you feel so overwhelmed with needing to manage a whole bunch of different activities and decisions and distractions and chaos at the same time. Or maybe it's feeling hopeless, like there's so much going on and I don't think I'm going to get any of it right, no matter how hard I try. I try hard every day and every day things seem to fall apart again. So this feeling of hopelessness that it's never I'm never going to get on top of this, I'm never going to feel like I'm succeeding. Maybe it's coming from a feeling of nobody's listening to me. Maybe you're thinking or feeling. Most of the time we don't even consciously realize we're having the thoughts we're having regarding the emotion, but maybe you really are thinking and just don't realize it. I keep telling all of you things, but no one acknowledges what I say. No one tries to help with the goals. No one is being a team player here, using acknowledging my needs or your responsibilities in this family, so maybe you start feeling that way and that brings on the short temperedness. Now all of these things are really good clues for info that we're going to need later, later on when we're mending, later on when we are getting a game plan for how we're going to deal with these emotions.

Val Harrison: 16:11

Answering these questions right here of what causes the emotion. What's the trigger? What was the trigger in this moment? But what is it in general? Maybe what triggers it for you is impatience. That's my biggest culprit for getting quickly irritated. I want to tackle the to-do list quickly and no one is seeming on board with the fast pace that I want work to be happening in. So I'm frustrated that the kids aren't moving quickly or aren't answering my questions quickly. So that's just another example of what might trigger your emotion of short temperedness.

Val Harrison: 16:46

Okay, there's two more questions to ask in the evaluate step. You want to ask yourself what do I usually do when I start to feel this way? What does short tempered response look like usually for me? Is it raising my voice with a harsh tone that immediately sours the atmosphere of the home? Or when I'm short tempered, do I tend to say sarcastic things that make someone feel small or make them feel like I think they're stupid? Or do I say cutting remarks you know harmful words that break the spirit of another person or that wounds their heart. This is a time for being honest with yourself on this question, to evaluate what are the different things that I tend to do when I start feeling this emotion.

Val Harrison: 17:35

It's very important for us to acknowledge the harm we tend to cause when we are allowing this emotion to drive the car. Remember, last week I told you emotions shouldn't be in the trunk of the car. They matter, but they also shouldn't be in the driver's seat. Being honest with ourselves about the damage that we're doing damage to ourselves or others when we let the emotion drive our attitude, actions and words. We need to be honest about the common damage that we're causing when we're allowing that emotion to drive. Acknowledging an emotion in us is not the same thing as giving free reign to that emotion. We need to start seeing that that it's two separate things.

Val Harrison: 18:24

So we're still on step two, which is evaluate, and we have asked. The first question we asked was what generally triggers me to have this emotion, or also what triggered it in this specific instance. And then, secondly, how do I usually respond to this emotion? The third question we're asking is is this a healthy response? Is this moving me towards wholeness? Is this hurting me? Is this response hurting other people? Is it moving them toward wholeness or is it causing further heart injury? Is it moving our relationship towards wholeness or is it injuring our relationship? If the answers to all of these questions is no, no, it's not helping me, no, it's not helping them be more whole or our relationship to be more whole. If the answer is no to all those things, then this evaluation process allows us to recognize the bigness of the problem. It helps us to see the wrong response to that emotion and why it is so very important that we make some changes. As we identify these problems that we're causing, then that gives us added motivation to change the way we're handling that emotion and is also giving us our action items for the future step of mending the damage and getting a game plan for growth.

Val Harrison: 19:45

Okay, let's look at step three. Step three is meet the root need, get to the root of the problem and work there. So what is the root cause of this emotion? We looked first at evaluating. We looked at what triggers this, but why does it even get triggered to begin with? We've got to get to the root of that, and this is the place in me that needs a lot of attention and needs to get some help. We talked earlier today and many other days on this podcast that were made up of four parts mental, spiritual, physical, social. You could go and listen to some other episodes of mine called root parenting. Again, in the show notes I'll list what episodes are about root parenting. So, when we want to get to the root of the issue, we want to figure out in which of these four parts is this need rooted.

Val Harrison: 20:38

Sometimes it's a combination of more than one. For example, looking back on my short temperedness as a mom, physical was absolutely a huge role when I had physical needs. It would trigger short temperedness, and this is still my main trigger. I didn't know, though, for years how to take care of me, so I was operating always from a place of depletion depleted sleep, depleted nutrition, depleted stress relief techniques, depleted in how to handle hormones. So I'm going to say, along with this need to know how to handle stress Well physically. Also, right along with that is the importance of self care.

Val Harrison: 21:23

So we see in scripture that Jesus took time away even when the crowd with all of their needs was there. He took time for refilling from God. God is our greatest source for refilling. We also see that Jesus took time to sleep. He was sleeping when they were at sea with a storm so bad that they were all afraid for their lives. Jesus was taking time to sleep. Jesus took time to meet his physical needs.

Val Harrison: 21:49

When we as moms take time to meet our needs, that does not mean that we don't care about our family. It means that we recognize how the human person functions best. Side note here when we are taking good care of ourselves, that's an excellent example for our kids and taking care of themselves. And if we're not taking care of ourselves, we're certainly not setting a good example for them. And doing that Okay. So that's the physical route. We also have a spiritual route.

Val Harrison: 22:21

The psalmist wrote as my body longs for physical water, so my soul pants for you, oh God. Then Psalm 5112 says restore to me the joy of my salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Romans 1513 says may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace, as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit, god is our source for filling and sustaining us. There are other things too, of course, that we need in our lives, but right now we're talking about the spiritual root of us. Okay, the Bible tells us that when we become a Christian, god comes and lives in us in the form of the Holy Spirit. You've probably heard of the fruit of the Spirit. If we allow the Holy Spirit to reshape our character, we experience gradual growth of the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. There are nine attributes of the fruit of the Spirit. So listen to these, okay. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. If you or your children struggle with any of those qualities, ask God to grow these in you. I would also encourage you to help with this. Go back and listen to the two podcast episodes that I did with our guest Pam Swanson. We introduce you to her awesome material On how we can be partnered with God in the shaping of our hearts. So go and listen to those for more help on that part.

Val Harrison: 24:05

Okay, we've spoken of physical root causes regarding emotional issues and we have spoken of spiritual root causes for emotional issues. The other two roots are mental and social. I want to direct you to two more episodes. I will put in the show notes episode that I have about reshaping the way you think and that would be part of the mental root, and I'll just say with that what you're really looking for when you're evaluating these emotions that you have and how you handle the emotions. When it comes to the mental root, you are especially looking for lies in your mind that you are embracing, or it could even be, it could be a true thing that you're embracing and you're just focusing on it and dwelling on it, and you have assigned that issue into the future too and and said that I'm always going to be this way and I'm, you're always going to be this way and you know those kind of a mental perspectives that are really driving our emotions, driving our actions, attitudes and words, so evaluating the way that we're thinking. But I will list an episode to help you in reshaping your thinking. And then I also want to redirect you to an episode regarding social and that is looking at the eight circles of influence in our lives and how are the different layers of people in our lives affecting us?

Val Harrison: 25:36

Dealing with the social root might mean recognizing that there is someone in our lives who generates a lot of unhealthy emotion in us. How can we improve our boundaries regarding that person? And then, over in the game plan step, the final step of this I better have a game plan for increasing my boundaries regarding that person to protect me mentally or physically, or socially or spiritually from the damage that that person might be causing on me. That then impacts my emotions and my ability to manage my emotions well. Another thing with dealing with a social root for your emotions might mean that you identify a trauma from your past, some interaction, some relationship situation, some way that a person who you thought was loving mistreated you, for example, and how does that trigger unhealthy emotions in you today. And then again, you're going to use that info in our game plan step in a little bit. You know that obviously you need a game plan for how you're going to heal regarding that. We'll talk more about that in a minute.

Val Harrison: 26:48

This moves us into the fourth step and managing our emotions in a way that leads to wholeness. Step one was stop and identify. Step two was evaluate. Step three was meet the root needs. Get to the root cause. Number four mend the wounds. What mending do I need to do because of the emotion that I have? Now? If I handle my emotion in a healthy way, then there's obviously not mending to do. But generally it is our actions, attitudes or words that bring blessing or bring injury to ourselves, to others or to our relationships. So in step four, when we're seeking to mend, we want to think what attitude or actions or words that I have that may have caused injury that needs repair.

Val Harrison: 27:40

Let me give you an example that happened today. Regarding this, today Rich and Emma were both home for lunch. I got short tempered with Rich. I had been talking to Emma about something she did incorrectly and Rich spoke up wanting some of the details so that he could participate in the parody. Well, I got short tempered with him because in my mind I was thinking I've got this, I don't need you to barge into this issue, I've got it. So I snapped at him when he asked for, you know, some question about more information. I was like I'm not going to give you that right now. So I snapped at him Then, as I was evaluating my emotions afterwards it occurred to me, you know, for years of our parenting I practically begged him to participate more in the parenting situations.

Val Harrison: 28:30

I wanted him to step in and step up and be willing to have hard conversations with the kids. Now, here we are, years later, and he is willing to step in and step up and have hard conversations, and what do I do? I snap at him for participating. Wow, not good, I had some mending to do with him because of that.

Val Harrison: 28:54

And sadly, if we don't take the time to evaluate our unhealthy emotional attitude, actions or words, we may never see how we are mistreating those around us. If we don't see the injury, we certainly won't mend the injury. So let's move to the final step in our five steps to manage our emotions on our road to wholeness. Step five is getting a game plan for management and growth. I have five questions that I work through in order to make a game pan. So, number one what would a healthy response look like? And then, secondly, how can I move toward wholeness and help those around me to also grow more whole, less broken, less depleted when this situation happens next time? Is there actually a way this scenario could take place in which it benefits some or all of us.

Val Harrison: 29:52

Another question what help do I need? When you're evaluating your anger, for example, where does your anger fall on a scale of unhealthy, like for real, if you are saying injurious words to your kids? That can not continue. You have got to get help. Maybe you need professional help. You know going to therapy. Maybe you need to read some books on the topic.

Val Harrison: 30:18

The next question what accountability do I need? So when I evaluate this emotion and how I've been handling this emotion in the past, if I have a pattern of unhealthy, then I probably need some accountability at the very least regarding overcoming these negative emotional habits in me. So who in my life can I be accountable with? Maybe that's just I'm going to start out for one week. Can I text you at the end of every day and say how I did with this issue? So after that first week, maybe then you're going to go to twice a week and then once a week, and then you know just as needed. But is there someone in your life that you can be accountable with about that?

Val Harrison: 31:03

And then the final question you want to ask is what thinking do I need to change? Are there lies that I'm believing in my mind, that I'm telling myself, or am I just taking a negative fact and I am making it so big in my mind that it is harder to overcome rather than easier to overcome? What thinking do I need to change and what action steps am I going to take to change that? There's an awesome book by John Maxwell called Thinking for a Change. He is one of my favorite authors. Okay, I hope you found all of this helpful. Again, there is a chart that goes through these five steps and it includes the questions that I went over with you in this episode. You can find that chart on my public Facebook or Instagram pages, at Practically Speaking Mom, or in my private Facebook group, intentional Mom, strong Family, or on my website, practically SpeakingMomcom. Go to the resources page and then, finally, I'll have a link in the show notes. Also in the show notes, you'll find the podcast episodes that I recommend to go along with some of these different topics mentioned today.

Val Harrison: 32:15

Now can you do two things for me? Can you pray for me, as I am still working on writing my fifth book, love Become Strength, answering the six questions of your child's heart at every age. I'm just so passionate about getting this information out to everyone in a book form, but the process is going so slowly because I'm a mom of seven and I'm a grandma of four and I'm a wife and I do a weekly podcast and I home school my youngest daughter, the only one still at home. It's just making my book process go slow and please pray that I will be able to make good progress in that, okay. Secondly, if you want more people to benefit from this content, share an episode on Facebook or Instagram and leave a review If you would be willing to do that. Thanks for joining me here each week on the Practically Speaking Mom podcast. This is Val Harrison, and I sure enjoy my time with you, as we together are intentional moms building strong families. See you Monday.